Something really hit me tonight... a real AHA MOMENT.
When I made the connection recently that some of my behaviours in certain areas of my life are immature, it opened up a world of reflection for me. Since that time I have really given it a lot of thought and I started to work through it. Yes, there were a couple of days I started to dwell on the negative, experienced sadness, felt sorry for myself, etc. and there were some tears... but most of all there was this profound feeling that I could not label. I thought it was sadness so I wrote down my reflections to try and figure it out. So much more came up...I found the process difficult, sad. I could not figure out what was it that I was feeling… I felt a longing for something which troubled me and left me unsettled.
Then it came to me - the feeling I was trying to label was grief.
I realize I have been grieving so many things - the failure of my marriage, the struggle of being a single mom, feeling betrayed and abandoned by my family. I sat there, staying with the feelings, letting the pain of it wash over me. I decided I would allow them to be there as long as they needed to be, without dwelling on them or feeling sorry for myself. (Yahoo! Progress!)
It feels so good to just acknowledge it. And now…I just need to get my goddamn shit together!